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> MAD-style Helena spoof
perihelion
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post Apr 17 2008, 08:19 PM
Post #1
This was inspired by the MAD ST:VOY satire "Star Ecch: Voyeur"


Perihelion Productions: A kooky brainiac making people laugh since 1985.

presents...

WHERE EVERYONE'S GONE BEFORE DEPT.
As if the spinoffs and movies weren't
bad enough, now hordes of greedy fans
who get together with high-tech gear and
home-made costumes make their own
episodes. Can you believe Paramount actually
tolerates these...

STAR ECCH: HELL-BENT CHRONICS

FAISAL
I'm Startfleet Captain Finals, commanding officer of the USS Hell-Bent! I'm smart and sexy AND I do yoga, but for some reason I have to wave around some wooden totem in order to get laid! On our first mission we nearly got eaten by a giant space-dwelling monster, then we broke the biggest rule in the book and had ourselves declared renegades! My crew still takes me seriously, but considering they're more or less all lunatics, that's not saying much!

DAO
I'm First Officer Dowry, Finals's second-in-command! And I'm faaaabulous! Of course, I'm not nearly as pretty as Finals, but I can still woo any boy in Startfleet, despite the fact that my forehead is covered in spots! Finals likes having me around - mainly so she conveniently has someone to blame in case she really screws up!

DAIS
I'm Daze, the security officer! I'm half Bolian, half Nausicaan and all temper! I'm a sadomasochistic loner who lists "bashing heads" among her hobbies, yet the fanboys are still drooling all over me and people try to woo me! Asking has a crush on me - I didn't know he was into the kinky stuff!

ARTIM
I'm Asking, the pilot and a member of the Back'up people! I have the ability to freeze time, but I'm too much of a wimp to use it for anything other than getting to the bridge in an instant! What a waste - don't we have transporters for that?

ROCKNEY
I'm Armed Rocking, the ship's love-crazy engineer! That might sound normal... until I tell you the ship is my girlfriend! You can tell I relate better to machines than I do with people... isn't that right, Hellie?

NESS
I'm More-than LochNess, the lunatic doctor! I'm even more warped than Daze, due to the fact that I'm constantly performing unethical and possibly illegal
 experiments on one crewmember - myself! The good part about that is Captain Finals gets her makeup from me, since it's not
tested on animals, and you can be medicated without worrying about the side effects! The bad part is I wear out my Borp-like implants purging myself after each experiment... Maybe I should just switch to Metamucil.

ASTER
I'm Corny Master, Dr. LochNess's patient. He thinks I'm constantly escaping from sickbay because I'm trying to find my husband, but I'm really trying to get away from him!
I've seen his experiments, and dammit, I want a referral to another doctor!

DAO
Captain, we have a problem!

FAISAL
What is it now?

DAO
Someone ate all the scrambled eggs!

FAISAL
Great! Declare a shipwide emergency! I've been running out of excuses to put the crew into a state of hyper-angst. Well done, Mr. Dowry!

ARTIM
Captain, I'm detecting a high-level wave compression dead ahead!

DAIS
There's a gravitational pull in my nylons! Thirty seconds to complete exposure!

FAISAL
Splendid! Complete and utter chaos! Now I can relax!

NESS
(eats out of a tub labelled "I Can't Believe It's Not Edible")
Good morning, Corny. Have the hallucinations stopped since last night?

ASTER
I'm not hallucinating, you moron! I'm trying to get away from you! LET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE SICKBAY! What are you eating by the way?

NESS
I have no idea. I only know that it's green and I'm hungry.

ASTER
It's green... and you're eating it. Righty-oh. Listen, can you be a good sport and let me out of these straps before I start screaming my head off?

ROCKNEY
Rocking to bridge! Captain, could you go easy on the Pluralisms? Hellie has an ache in her Bowflex installer.

FAISAL
Were you fiddling with her oak console again?

ROCKNEY
Yes. She likes it when I do that. It's that "special" thing we do, see...

FAISAL
OK, OK, TMI! Just make sure you reticulate the splines and remortgage your dividends in case we get punk'd.

ROCKNEY
Yes, ma'am.

DAIS
Oh, Asking, I forgot to thank you for the leather purse-making kit you gave me. That was a really nice present.

ARTIM
Purse-making kit? What purse-making kit? I gave you a tribble!

DAIS
Oh, that was a tribble? Sorry, I didn't know. It does look awfully cute in purse form though.

ARTIM
Captain, there's an alien vessel coming alongside us. They're hailing.

FAISAL
What do they want?

PARAMOUNT VESSEL
This is the Paramount vessel Brannon Braga. You have been producing better scripts than us! Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!

DAO
Aw, crap.

DAIS
Captain, they're bombarding us with Buckyballs!

(Ship rocks, sparks fly, crew gets thrown around)

ARTIM
Segway systems losing power!

DAIS
Shipwide toaster oven failure!

DAO
Coffee-O-Matic damaged beyond repair!

FAISAL
Turn on the rear hatch defrosters! Lock the Furby cages! Rocking, where the hell are those shark guards?

ROCKNEY
You bastards stole Hellie's handbag! I'm not helping you!

FAISAL
Damnit, Commander, we don't have time to discuss Hellie's fashion sense!

DAO
Just a thought, but... you know... we could surrender.

FAISAL
But that would mean the end of Star Ecch as we know it!

DAO
Life goes on. There will be other fandoms, and Ecch will always be in our hearts.

FAISAL
I don't want to hear that! Daze, break out the Super Soakers and start playing "Who Let The Dogs Out"! We'll give
those thugs what they came for!

ARTIM
Finally, some originality!

NESS
LochNess to Captain Finals! Corny Master escaped from my dun... er, my sickbay again! He appears to have chewed though the leather straps...

THE END
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SPT
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post Apr 18 2008, 01:30 AM
Post #2
icon_lol.gif
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Historian Dlan
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post Apr 18 2008, 08:41 AM
Post #3
Thank you for posting this.

That was really funny.

HD
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Ro Sekura
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post Apr 18 2008, 10:37 AM
Post #4
That was funny and I needed a good laugh. Thanks for posting it. Now if it could be filmed and put on youtube then we have a barrel of monkeys laughing.
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perihelion
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post Apr 18 2008, 05:38 PM
Post #5
Excellent idea. Let's go pester Rob about it.
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post Apr 19 2008, 04:57 AM
Post #6
fun
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TheRealArtim
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post Apr 19 2008, 11:12 AM
Post #7
Not really my kind of humor. I smiled at parts, but that is it. Just not my comedic cup of tea, but I do respect it! Good Jorb!
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perihelion
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post Apr 20 2008, 06:32 PM
Post #8
I take it you're not much of a MAD fan then?
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post Apr 20 2008, 06:41 PM
Post #9
QUOTE (perihelion @ Apr 18 2008, 06:38 PM) *
Excellent idea. Let's go pester Rob about it.

Sure and if it's as funny on film like the MAD spoof pf the Phantom Menace then I would be content. Anyone have a petition?
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post Apr 23 2008, 07:43 PM
Post #10
Haha, great MAD spoof.

QUOTE ("deleted-scene")
Corny Master chews through the....

Maybe he and Daze should have a little talk.

Hmm. The heck with this-here hand thingy. That Rowboat boi's paddlin' days iz over! I'm askin' out the grey grrrl!
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Kapitaen Stephan
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post May 11 2008, 01:49 PM
Post #11
ha,ha,ha,ha. icon_lol.gif


That was funny. I really like the MAD Spoofs of Star Trek an other franchises. So here you go!!!

Excellent. Ever thought about a drawn comic version?
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perihelion
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post May 11 2008, 06:08 PM
Post #12
QUOTE (Kapitaen Stephan @ May 12 2008, 07:49 AM) *
ha,ha,ha,ha. icon_lol.gif


That was funny. I really like the MAD Spoofs of Star Trek an other franchises. So here you go!!!

Excellent. Ever thought about a drawn comic version?


I would if I had some good headshots of the cast to work with.
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perihelion
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post Oct 10 2008, 12:24 PM
Post #13
bump
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hudson
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post Oct 10 2008, 12:42 PM
Post #14
Naughty bumper....


But I liked it, very funny.
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perihelion
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post Oct 10 2008, 12:51 PM
Post #15
I bumped it so more people could enjoy it.
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sharonest
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post Oct 11 2008, 08:20 PM
Post #16
Oh, dear, it's only too true!!!! Just as any good satire should be!!! OTFLMAO.

Sharon

This post has been edited by sharonest: Oct 11 2008, 08:21 PM
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